city of blinding lights;

FAIRYTALES -

just when i thought,
things are taking a change in my life...
i saw and realised the bad side of it...
so bad that i'm now all at a loss,
not knowing what to do,
how to get things over and done with...

it was initially a decision hard to be made.
but i settled it quickly and thought it was the end.
or should i say, a brand new beginning??
but no, this isn't the end yet..
in fact, the problems started arising the very next moment.
i'm caught unprepared when i got to know it.
and now, i really have no idea what should i do..
crying doesnt help, getting advices doesnt too.
really, why did it even happen to me?

after spending a few hours last nite talking to bro..
i know i have to make a quick decision this time..
but this decision will affect alot of things.
and i know things will never ever be the same again.
but even if so, i still have to make a decision.
for, i was lied to not for once, nor twice.
it was uncountable times that i was lied to.
but even if i follow what my heart says this time..
then why is it that i'm still thinking for him?
worrying that i'll hurt him deep with my words and all?
and what angers me most is that,
i dont know how to go about doing things, to get it done.

since last nite until now...
what caught me thinking non-stop is...
why did he even do that?
what was his real intention behind it?
does he even know what is he doing?
does he know how much he's gonna hurt me,
when i get to know about it, when i find it all out?
and lastly, could he even be trusted?

i've thought over these qns over and over again.
yet i still could not find an answer that is of help.
are things meant to go this way just for me?
i really dont know, i really have no idea.
just what am i gonna do for now?
someone, please tell me what am i to do now...

it was back then a decision to get things started.
and now it is a decision and a way to have things end.
but ending in such a way that no one's gonna get hurt...
is it more than possible to get it done smoothly & swiftly?

now, i so dont wanna face the reality
and hope to sleep in my world of fairytales.
and never ever to be able to wake up again...

posted by babies- @ 10:51:00 AM 0 Comments

28 May '06

this is insane again.
just reached home from amk.
and i'm blogging right away. GRRRS~
like you people must be wondering why,
and what am i doing in amk...
cos i'm not one who will hang out there.
but, its for some reason that i'm there.

alrights, lets update!!
was out since ytd 11am?
went to my granny's for a visit.
have gotten angpow for my results.
sat for awhile and headed to novena.
went to JeanYip for a hair cut and treatment.
my hair's great now though i find it shorter!! GRRS.
hmmm. and the guy was really cute~ HAHA.
but he had many many piercings. LOL.
but still, he looks WOOOLAHLAH~ hahas.
walked around and hunted for my adidas.
then headed to citylink for shopping.
we've spent a bomb i must say. HAHA.
then headed to Excelsior hotel for dinner.
dinner with my auntie and uncle.
cos gotta take winter clothings from aunt. so yeahs~
and we had korean cuisine, nice indeed! haha.
then i left halfway through to meet up with him&friends.
slackked around at orchard area till 2340.
and wenta watch Poseidon at Cineleisure.
a GREAT show i must say, so people go catch it!! =D
cabbed to amk after that.
and shant add more details. HAHAHA =p

this time, i think i'm really in deep shit.
i feel like killing myself now, really. HAHAHA.
i've no idea what shit i've gotten myself into now.
i think i've made a wrong choice, yet a right choice too.
right choice cos i really have to leave my past behind.
i've been taking too long, far too long to forget him.
but wrong choice, cos i feel that i really cant forget him.
though i'm with him, but my heart and mind's with him.
i know i cant have things to be this way.
but i really cant control my feelings and everything.
i know i'll hurt him deeply, really i know i will.
things are in a way that its somehow beyond cure??
explanations will not help this time round.
but i think letting him know earlier will be better.
i cant act, and he'll bound to find out one day.
and i dont want the fine day to be the day i'll regret.
thats why, before i regret, i have to let him know.

i think i really no longer possess the confidence i once have..
not just in myself, but in guys too.
the guys i would really date way before i met him.
after we've broken up, my life indeed changed drastically.
i no longer could fall in love with anyone.
the feelings wont be there, and i cant find it.
it might be there, but on the very next day..
i really really cant seem to find it. but why?
sometimes i really hate myself so much.
and it was because of this, i've never dared to love again.
even when there's guys of high calibre,
i often have to say goodbye and just remain as friends.

it took alot on me just to want to forget part of him.
but at the same time, it took alot on me not wanting to rmb.
i cant say i dont want to remember.
cos i know i couldnt make it to not want to remember.
every night just before i fall deep asleep,
i'll tend to think about him and our past.
the sweet memories we once had...
those days, i really want it back so very much.
but i doubt it'll ever come back.
but even if it ever does, i doubt the feeling will be the same.
everything will be so different, never will it be the same.
but even if so, i still could not find myself in love.
i so badly wish for someone to love and care for me..
but ironically, i cant give the person my love and care.
not that i dont want to, but i cant bring myself to.
really, if there's anyone who understands my feelings, tell me.
tell me what's your opinions, advise me.
i so badly need some advice now. SIGHS.

but wells, for now, i think i know what i wanna do.
think just before i leave, i'll leave him with a letter..
telling him everything that i felt, so on and so for.
i believe he has the right to know,
and i've the responsibility to tell him.
but i really dont know how is he gonna feel and all.
i'm afraid i'll really really hurt him deep.
its not the first time i'm hurting people like this.
but i know the longer i drag, the cut will be deeper.
i really dont know why...
but by the time i realised my feelings, its too late.
it is all but tooo late... forgive me, will you?

he's nice, really nice.
all sweet, loving and caring.
always put people before himself.
treats me like his little princess.
always taking good care of me..
but i think we still differ quite abit.
he's very very possessive, i would say.
i seem to have lost every bit of my freedom.
and its something i really really dont like.
i just know, i need alot alot of freedom.
for i dont like to be tied down 24/7.
maybe that is why, i dont wish to be tied down again~

love, is but an irritating process.
if only i didnt meet you back then...

posted by babies- @ 9:15:00 AM 0 Comments

27 May '06

hi people, i'm back!!!
okays, this is insane.
i'm blogging early in the morning.
as early as 7am?!?!?
but i can't help it...
cos i've slept from 4pm ytd till now!!
yes, i just woke up..
not knowing what to do..
so came to blog. HAHAHA...

wells, the camp was really fun!
actually, it was a little boring lah.
but the instructors are great..
and with my classmates, esp nicole&co.
the camp was really very very fun!!!
instructors like xiaoji, patt, jane and melvin are woolala~
if without them, the camp will be boring. seriously..
and my class girls actually go crazy over xiaoji..
cos he's cute!!!! hahahaha~
hmmm, enough about the instructors... haha.
the camp has really boost my confidence, alot more.
i've never dared to try high elements.
though i came back with many bruises...
but at least i know now i dare to try!!!
and what i'm glad is that i've completed it!!! haha.
water rafting was tiring, scary but FUN!!
the process in building it was so tiring...
and when we got down into the water,
trying to climb onto it was scary..
everyone was rushing cos there's some lizard in the water..
but it was really tough to have to climb onto the raft.
our raft had 4 barriers initially. but.........
we ended up with 3, then 2 when we got into the water.
so it was really difficult to sit on top of the raft...
i was the first to get onto the raft though.. LOL.
then came irene, christel, etc...
when we went back to shore, everyone jump off the raft.
making the raft so light, and irene&i were left on it.
dont know what happened, irene and i fell into the water.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSS~!!!
the water is so so so salty! LOL.
after the rafting, we then had our low elements.
had hell lot of fun there, and there it came our campfire!!!
campfire's great, with lotsa shouting and all...
but i didnt lose my voice!!! what the tooots!!!!!
i believe my class' performance was the best...
cos its really really great lah! LOL.
everything then came to an end at 2330.
nicole, cyn, cheryl and i then got into our sleeping bags.
talked, gossipped, played and fell asleep?!?!?
we wanted to wait for instructors' debrief to be over.
and spend a nite listening to ghost stories~
but no no no~ we all fell asleep and woke up at 4am?!?
but by then, everyone was asleep. SO KUKU lah. lol.
so we went back to sleep and woke up at 7am!??!
we were gonna be late, so quickly rush washing up...
then the normal routine of a camp on the last day.
area cleaning, photo taking, autographing,
then home sweet home (:

got back to school around 12 noon.
took our report books and chat with the teachers.
what will you say if you've 2nd in class & 7th in the level?
well, though my class&level position didnt fail me.
and got what many think is really really really good.
but i'm not satisfied with my english results, seriously.
i think i've gotten so high because i've passed my english.
if i didnt, i'll be way way way below.. SIGHS.
but anyways, got home, bathed and added melvin in msn.
ate and chit chat with him till about 4pm.
and both of us drop dead and slept. LOL.
i've no idea what time he woke up,
but i know i just woke up. HAHAHA.
okays, and a better better news!!
my parents came home at 6pm with canon ixus!!!
GOSH!!! i LOVE my parents!!! haha.
but seriously, i was very tired.
so, saw it, smile and went back to sleep.
told mommy my report book was on the table.
and sleep. LOL.
up till now, have yet to discuss with them about my results.
bet they all share the same sentiments as me.
not satisfied with my enlgish results. GRRRS~
but wells, if i'm not satisfied, how could others be?

alrights, the entry's a little long.
i have to get going. HAHA.
but i have no idea what to do now.
its toooooo early lah. GRRRS.
maybe i'm going back to sleep?!?! HAHA.
but anyways, gotta drop him a message first. as promised.
then maybe chat with mommy. cos she's awake. LOL.

and people, there's the perth trip briefing!
monday, 1330 hours in school.
and, there's work on monday&tuesday. GRRS~

till next time people,
take care (:

he seems to be a nice guy, really.
but it was only just that i knew him.
but he have already taken the initiative..
maybe we could get to know each other better.
maybe its time that i leave my past and move on...
is it time that i move on, people?

posted by babies- @ 7:03:00 AM 0 Comments

23 May '06

HELLO WORLD,
I AM BACK AGAIN. lol?!?!

alrights, enough of crappps.
gonna get down to some serious matters.

gotten back my results for midyear.
many said it was good, but i'm not satisfied.
many said i have really HIGH expectations..
but well, do i really have? or is it expected?
but i guess that was what i expected outta myself.
apart from english, the rest was quite alrights.
scored A1 for math, poa and dnt.
A2 for chinese, B3 for science and humanities.
and C6 for my bloody english.
but after netnet spoke to our class,
i felt that it was really alright,
and was blessed to have even passed it.
cos she said the gap for eng btw sec2 and 3 is really huge.
and it's gonna take quite awhile before we adapt to it.
so well, maybe its bcos of that, that i didnt score well.
hopefull my EOY eng results is not gonna fail me..
and of course, the other subjects too (:

apart from examinations,
there's the post-exam activities.
a visit to home on last friday,
pet rocket on monday,
math trail just today...
and we the sec3s are having our camp tmr!!
i really am excited about it..
yet feeling scared at the same time..
perhaps its bcos of the location and all.
but i think i'm not gonna think too much.
things WILL be fine (:
and i am gonna have tonnes of fun!
there'll be a breakdown from technology.
and even the basic, MONEY.
no money, no cell phone, no mp3.
and the bus ride is gonna be hell LONG.
i NEED entertainment!! if not, i'll be darn bored. LOL.
okays, bad bad bad.
i just realised i'm gonna be like.... DEADMEAT?!?
i've yet to pack my stuff for tomorrow,
and i'm here BLOGGING. grrs.
GOD BLESS ME, PLEASE. haha.

hmmm, Perth trip coming soon too!
haha, really excited.
and i'm so glad lah. managed to get a digi cam.
borrowed from cheryl darling already. YAY (:
well, some really sad news now though.
work's gonna start on 29th. GRRRS.
i so dont wanna work, but no. i cant. SIGHS.
but wells, income's gonna come in that way.
so yeahs, for income's sake, no slack slack. HAH.

and lastly, one BIG thing.
I LOVE CAO GE, GARY!!!!!!!!
hahaha =D

it's still YOU whom i miss;
that is something i can never deny.

posted by babies- @ 8:08:00 PM 0 Comments

'' Till Death Do US Part"

it's not a good night tonight.
too much of catching up with the different people..
leads to too much of memories waiting to be forgotten...

suddenly, a 26 year old NS man claims knowing me.
and that was really, the beginning of my thoughts.
then, Jerry's serving the nation in coming June.
and HE'll be freed from the torture in June.
Caught up with Phebe all of a sudden...
and ended up talking about him..
she said she haven't see his gf before,
even though they were together for 4 months.
time and time, she saw him alone, playing bball, walking home.

my feelings' stirring inside my heart, making me ponder.
but i know i shouldnt be thinking and i cant be thinking.
if not i'll fall hard once again, and will never pick myself up.
though deep inside me, i really want to know the truth,
i really want to know how is he doing and is he really fine..
but i know i've to be tough and let these thoughts be thoughts.
these thoughts should never be reality, for i'll hurt myself.

the bygones should be left as bygones..
and shall not give myself false hopes.
things shall remain the way it is now..
until the day i know i'm prepared...
prepared to see him without having a mixed feelings,
prepared to see him wishing him all the best with a big big grin.

but i know, the day will not be any time soon.
for my heart is still with him..
for my love is still with him..
for my mind and soul is still with him..

but somehow, i know i couldnt deny this.
somewhere deep inside my heart,
still lies a spot for him, waiting for his return one day...

"do i still love you?" that is the question.
"yes, i will always do." and thats the answer,
since the day you've left me alone..

''Till Death Do Us Part" is not just any phrase to be said like this.
To me, it holds a deep and special meaning just for YOU and ME..

I have and I will keep my promise to you. But, will you?

posted by babies- @ 1:48:00 AM 0 Comments

FINALLY !!!

exams' finally over, and i'm finally free!!! =D
well, there's some real good news to share...
i've topped math1 in my class!!!
my first-ever most wonderful 56/60!!!
but thats only for math1..
i've got no idea what's math2 gonna be like.. ):
and apart from that, distinction for POA.
but wells, i am NOT very satisfied with my results.
compared to ca1 which i've scored a 99.1,
i've got only 87.5 this time round. which sucks.

told my mommy about it.
she says exams' different from CAs.
CAs are easy to score, unlike examinations.
and she says i should be content with a 87.5..
its very good already.. but well, i dont think that way.
maybe because i've topped it previously..
that explains my thoughts this time? hah.
but wells, i guess i've more or less got over the disappointment.
at least i've scored a distinction. at least~
if not i think i'll just go jump and kill myself.
and as for math1, my parents are overjoyed!
but wells, i can't be complacent. its not final yet.
and i'm really afraid that i won't do as well for math2.
hopefully God would really see me through (:

an off day tomorrow finally!
my school's having the polling in-lieu day thingy.
gonna go down to town to get my Bebe top.
and then back home for a long day's rest.
unless there's something to shop for..
but i dont wish to do shopping before saturday..
i'm meeting my sweets on saturday!!
gonna go collect MadamWong's tix.
and then, a whole day of madness!!! haha(:

friday's back to school.
checking scripts for MYE.
hopefully i'll do well for all subjects~
after checking scripts,
the sec3s gonna head to homes..
and gonna come back to school at 1230.
and early dismissal at 1330. YAY =D

somehow, time seems to fly...
its just next week that is the sec3 camp!
really really looking forward to it man~
but, final marks for MYE is released next tuesday.
the day right before the adventure camp..
hopefully it'll be good and not affect my mood *PRAYS*
and its only 2 weeks plus away from PERTH trip (:

and yah, the APG @ SP was fun.
BUT, damnit. CVSS lost it all. GRRRS.
there's one cutie over there,
and one handsome, freaking tall (1.9+ m) & rich lecturer.
he's one hell of a WOAH WOAH lecturer lah!!
if i ever were to get into SP, its surely for HIM!! haha =P
and one BIG news!!! Miss Boo is our Mother Chicken =D
that is like.. one hell of a BIG joke!! hahaha!!!
total enjoyment i must say (:

well, nothing much to update about already.
except that there's this guy who got my no.
from... GOD-KNOWS-WHERE.
he's quite an old guy. 26 years old.
but i'd say he's rather successful lah.
he've been a regular for 7 years.
and he is of a freaking high rank.
he claims that he knows me, or something.
but well, i totally have no impression.
even when i see his picture. haha.

alrights. guess thats about it...
will update real soon, i hope.. haha.
gonna crash my bed like REAL soon.
right after Jewel in a Palace.. (:

thats all.
till next time people (:

posted by babies- @ 9:19:00 PM 0 Comments

Event Updates!!!

posted by babies- @ 11:43:00 AM 0 Comments

12th May '06

it's been some time since i've properly touched the computer and sit down infront of the computer for some serious blogging, chatting or whatsoever. but wells, i ain't gonna stay infront of the computer for long too. haha..

wells, i didnt very much wanted to blog. but i guess its still early in the morning, and i cant get down with some serious revision. hence, i turned to blogging. let me recall on what had happened since the last time i've blogged...

i remembered my sis flew to Canada on the 3rd of May. and it's been like only 9 days since her departure for a foreign land?!?!?! gosh, time is seriously passing very very very slowly.. but on the other hand, time is flying... my first mid-year paper was on the 2nd. and i'm now coming to the end of MYE.. just 3 more days with 5 more papers from the 15th onwards and i'm a HAPPY woman (: though i'm really looking forward to the rest and fun i'm gonna have right after MYE and during the June break, but im not very excited about it now... perhaps, its because of him again... SIGHS~ alrights, back to examinations. i'm not gonna say much about it. cos, i dont wanna be bearing such high hopes with the papers i feel that i can do. thats saving me from falling high when the results' out. hah. apart from attending school for the sickening and torturous exams, i've been to the ICA building for a couple of times for some passport and IC matters. and talking about IC, its only 8 days more to the day i can collect my IC (: then it was travelling down to bugis for some shopping with my mommy... and basically, nothing else. boring ehs? hahaha =x

wells, am left with math2 and poa2 for monday, physics for tuesday and poa1 and damn dnt for wednesday and i'll be off home for a GOOD sleep. the examinations and the previous heavy workload just before MYE caused me to have rubbish kind of sleep. so i'm gonna pamper myself with SLEEP after exams. then comes a hell load of fun with my girlies, partying and all. the events i'm so looking forward to after MYE is the sec3 camp and of course the trip to Perth!! camps have always been one of my faves, and its totally exciting that i'm going to explore caves and visiting farms to see REAL windmills for the FIRST time in my life.

i guess the holidays' gonna be real busy for me. time's gonna be taken out for working out (i'm dead serious about it this time), working, having fun, shopping, catching up with my girlies, spring cleaning, etc. but more importantly, time will be taken out for me to rest and to do some things that i've always wanted to do... and towards the end of the holidays, it'll be tuitions for me ): how irritating~ hahaha =p

boy, tomorrow's physics consultation with nicole. then right after that is Emath tuition. and then, back home mugging. sunday's outing day. gonna head down to Goodwood Park Hotel for lunch as a mother's day celebration. hopefully we'll be back home early so i'll be able to you know, revise recap on what i've learnt over the weekends for my monday's papers. 5 more days of working hard, and there i get to rest happily with no worries (:

no school on thursday. friday's back to school. checking scripts, then to some homes. grrrrs. then the following monday is the pet rocket stuff. some physics activity. tuesday's math trail at chinatown. wednesday to friday's adventure camp at Jalan Betera!!! and then, HOLIDAYS =D

alrights, before i get any more excited... i'd better stop and start revising for my physics, seven chapters yeahs~ grrrs. oh yah, it was Miss Boo's birthday 2 days ago... Happy belated Birthday (: and yuppies, latest updates on Vaunt @ MOS. i'm not going already. the party's gonna suck ass. it's an all-the-wannabes party. all the ahlians and ahbengs wannabes are gathering there that night cos its a freaking way-too-far underaged party. MOONLIGHT at Madam Wong on the 10th June, anyone?? =D well, more updates after exams!

till then,
take care!!

i know i shouldn't be feeling like this,
and you should be long forgotten.
but its my mind that i cant control,
to be missing you all day and night...

posted by babies- @ 9:39:00 AM 0 Comments